I Bedded an Incel, Now He’s a Well Adjusted Man

Make him obsessed with you!

(This essay omits names and contains fictionalized elements. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.)

I never pictured myself as a pioneer. But I believe I may be the woman who cracked the code on dealing with incels.

Know before you read any further, however. My solution may prove difficult for all but the stoutest of heart.

First, some background. Incel stands for involuntary celebate. It refers to (mostly) men who are unable to find a sexual partner.

These men sometimes become extremely misogynistic and vocal in online communities. And, yes, my story today deals with one such incel and how I reprogrammed him. Stick around! 

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A Budding Online Entrepreneur

First a bit about me. I come from an African American background. I stand about 5 foot 10 and possess a voluptuous build. 

I never experienced difficulty attractive men, particularly the tall athletic type. I preferred short nerdy guys, however. And I often found myself attracted to white or asian guys in particular.

When I left college, I started working at a law firm. But the hours proved long with no time for friends and family. 

When I left the law firm, it took me a while to find myself. I started taking a number of courses about how to make money online. 

It seemed like a good fit since it would allow me the freedom to work from anywhere whether at my apartment or from a local coffee shop.

Plus it offered the flexibility I had been missing.

Today, I work primarily online as a forex trader. I also do some online marketing on the side. 

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Beauty and the Creep

Spending so much time online, I ended up building a community there as well. For example, I found myself in a lot of chat rooms talking with others about issues I felt passionate about.

Whether it was race and gender issues or the environment, I certainly found my tribe in those online communities.

I found it invigorating to discover there were others in the world who felt the way I felt. I realized I wasn’t alone. It dawned on me there were others who believed in the same things I believed in.

This discovery proved more liberating than I expected.

Of course, I also soon realized the opposite was also true.

While I found many kindred spirits online, I also found a community of people with beliefs so opposite to my own, I at first reacted in horror. 

That’s where I first encountered Barney.

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The Podcast From Hell 

One of my girlfriends first directed me to Barney’s podcast. He seemed always angry and hateful and managed to find guests for his show who shared his outlook.

I first reacted with revulsion to his cranky diatribes about women who refused to give him the time of day.

Then I began commenting on his social media channels. These comments led to heated exchanges often joined by my posse and some of his incel friends.

But this social media flaming brought about the peculiar side effect of bringing more followers to both our social media channels.

And, though I hate to admit it, it also aroused something else within me. Even now, I struggle to explain what that something was.

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Poking The Bear

Jump ahead a few months and I received a surprise email from a friend. I never met Barney and knew little about him – other than his weird obsession with not getting laid.

 

But the email contained a real shocker. Barney not only lived in the same town as me (Chicago.) The email also included his address.

My friend suggested publishing it online for all to see. But I told her I had a better idea.

I believe in privacy – even for guys like Barney. So I decided to pay him a visit instead.

The decision contained a fair amount of risk. A woman of color needed to take precautions when visiting the home of an apparently hateful misogynist. 

So I told a few sympathetic male friends where I was going. I told them to come and find me if they didn’t hear from me in a reasonable amount of time. 

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A Funny Thing Happened...

When Barney answered the door, he was a nerdy white guy – just my type! Ugh! He wore gym shorts and a Star Wars t-shirt. He turned out to be a short little dude, maybe 5’7 with thick glasses. But he also turned out to have a sweet little baby face. And there was a dimple on his chin that just … well … got me.

What started as an angry exchange of words soon turned into something else. We must have done it four or five times that afternoon. And when we were done, Barney belonged to me. 

Over the last few months, Barney gained a new sensitivity for the issues for which I’m passionate. He now promotes women’s issues in online discussion groups. He also changed the theme of his podcast. He now interviews guests on topics like empathy and the building of nurturing relationships.

Like I said, I cracked the code on dealing with incels. But as you can see, it requires some serious commitment.  

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(This post was created with the assistance of AI. We may receive affiliate compensation for some or all of the links in this article.)

Petula Davenport lives in Chicago with her former incel boyfriend where they are active in many gender equality and environmental organizations.